It was a Friday morning and I had just gotten home from filling in for Tom at a personal training job in which the client no-showed. I decided to eat breakfast and then head out the door for some errand-running. As I was waiting at the car wash, I read this blog quickly and it finally hit me. This is why I’ve been so negative, stressed, and experiencing a heavy weight upon my shoulders for the past month or so.
With only a month left until Tom and I get married, I suddenly realized that marriage wasn’t something I was excited about, like, at all. Marriage looked awful. Marriage looked like a linear path to a life one hates. It seemed like after you tie the knot, you are given a list of things to check off; buy a house, get a dog, have a couple kids, and work tirelessly the rest of your days in order to pay off the unending bills for said house, kids, and dog. Your spouse becomes a roommate whom you’ve lost all intimacy with but don’t care enough to change it.
I can’t think of anything worse than all of those things. I like dogs from afar, but certainly not living with me. They smell, cost way too much money, mess up your house, and take away your freedom to leave the house for a weekend or a week or a month. Coincidentally, how I feel about dogs is exactly how I feel about kids. Not for me. And a house? Ok, I can see this sometime in my future. But certainly not right away. We are fricken broke. A house won’t be happening for possibly a decade. So there goes my post-wedding “to-do” list. So now what? There has to be another way.
I’ve been moping around for weeks thinking that marriage maybe wasn’t going to be for us. I didn’t want to follow that “to-do” list. I didn’t want to become another couple who feels the need to only tick off those boxes. I wanted to travel to new places every year. I wanted to set goals and do cool shit together like complete a triathlon, climb a mountain, start a business. I wanted us to always seek to understand each other. To respect each other’s needs and individuality but also to always be a team. I wanted us to grow and not become complacent in our relationship or in life. I wanted another way.
And here’s the thing. There is another way. There’s always been another way. But I was so stuck in my negative spiral of thinking that I just couldn’t see it.
In her post Alexandra writes,
The key, I think, is to keep asking these kind of questions. To stay awake and curious, not complacent. It’s so easy to get lulled into the undertow of “what everyone else is doing.”
And I was. I was lulled into the undertow of what I saw on social media and what everyone around me was doing. Another baby announcement. Another dog photo. Another home renovation. It’s all I could see. I forgot to ask myself the question, “Could there be another way?”
I want to keep asking myself the questions that force me to pause. I need to ask, “Is this what I want? What does the other road look like? Do I need to be doing this? What else could there be? How can I grow more?” I want to make sure I’m not going along with the flow of what my friends are doing or my co-workers or what I think I should be doing simply because I haven’t taken the time to ask myself these questions.
So today, I’m going to take time to sit with these questions and begin to change my idea of what a marriage can look like. I want to let go of these limiting beliefs I have about my future. There is another way. And I’m going to seek to find it.